yummyshocks's Diaryland
Diary
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ALLOFMYDIARYENTRIES CONTINUED
00131
You've been keeping your distance from me, dear friends. Seems you've found youself a new person to replace me, a boy, so as not to tip that balance and pull between the male and female species. How silly of you. How, absolutely childish. I can't help but laugh, as to how far your willing to go to rid yourselves from me. But, if I'm to be honest and candid, it does hurt me. It hurts me to know that after that night... you'd rather just forget and erase it from your memory. Keeping up with the silence and charade while I implode day in and out from the stress of not knowing what's really going on inside of you. For that alone... I am upset.
8:14 a.m. - 2006-03-22 00132
I've been dreaming of you again. Sometimes I question what it is I really feel for you. Is it adoration, obsession, love? Perhaps, it's a little of all of these and much more.
1:14 p.m. - 2006-04-05 00133
one night, a voice, it spoke to me in riddles, causing the enigma that was spawned in youth to grow, making roots in what seemed infertile grounds.., it led me to where the sea and sand meet... converging in the salt covered air.... crawling to it on burdened limbs.., feeling my way through..., digging my fingertips into its core... i unearthed the treasures i had hidden.., nestled in the safety of this sea like womb.., kept innocent and pure through the misguided measures of time..., taking it into my arms and cradling it like a child... i wept.... as memories flooded in.., as the waves let out in a screeching pitch.. furious of its discovery, so it threw itself upon its own boulders in a crashing display of rage... i looked upon my child... my precious mistake... the binder of my dark dreams, and walked into the storm, up to my waist the angry sea wrapped itself around us both.... and... as a mother... knowing the limitations of her title... i kissed her... my nameless sprig and cast her out as she wailed... piercing the sky of its promises... until no screams were left and the sea.... it calmed....
2:11 p.m. - 2006-04-11 00134
If I'm to call myself the true queen of manipulation I've but to seal it and my crown with a single kiss from those guarded lips of yours that forsake me and my blood. I will capture your love of hating me and you will fall from that high perch of yours claiming your defeat was no defeat at all but an act of distraction, hence the grand mistake. And when you do, I'll be waiting there with my crown proudly shining looking down at your dumbfounded face resisting to accept my place on the throne. Bow down to me, you shameless fuck!
11:18 p.m. - 2006-04-25 00135
I dreamt that I had your child growing inside of me last night. I'm afraid to even think that it could even actually be a possibility. Its been a month now dear. Are you sure you really don't want to remember how it felt to be called Daddy? Cause I surely can't imagine being called Mommy. A new life entering in this world would mean trouble, perhaps it's best left to the hands of an early tragedy.
2:03 p.m. - 2006-04-27 00136
I hope I ruined your time darlings. Silly me, who am I kidding... you can be such heartless little fucks when you want to be, just like me.
11:41 p.m. - 2006-04-30 00137
I wonder what it was that you were too hurt to tell me. I wonder if it really had to do with family. We are both masters of our trade dear friend. I won't fold so easily.
1:21 p.m. - 2006-05-02 00138
Feels like you've become a memory now. I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know whether to fight for you or let him have you. I really thought we'd be friends forever. I'm a foolish girl. Perhaps you'll find yourself missing me, perhaps you won't. I'll leave the door for you open though, because I love you, and we have history. But if you do choose him, know that I wish you well in your new journey.
1:49 p.m. - 2006-05-07 00139
I'm going to tell her what happened between us sunshine. Limited information of course, but information nonetheless. Why? Well, simply because I feel awkward when you constantly come into the conversation. Seems she just doesn't want to let your memory go. I'm trying my best to put you to rest, but I can't when she keeps you alive. It's time.
3:27 p.m. - 2006-05-09 00140
So I've made you jealous have I? This new power feels good, especially because you've made me feel as if I wasn't worth your time.
1:53 p.m. - 2006-05-30 00141
I know you don't like me you silly-silly-boy. But, I still want to play hide-n-seek because I like catching you under the bed and making you scream.
12:16 p.m. - 2006-06-09 I cried while I listened to Coldplay in my dark lonely room last night. It reminded me of all the fun times we had. I miss you. The way you'd reprimand me for folding the deck of cards when I was the dealer on our ritualistic poker nights in our special motel 8 chain. The way we'd sneak in tequila shots when no one was looking. The way I'd always beat you at hang man in our inebriated state. The way you'd tell me that I was normal when I'd tell you that I was crazy. Come back.
9:16 a.m. - 2006-06-21 00143
disbelief
scratch your head
let out screams
angels die
demons mourn
stomach cues
are rumbling
oh my boy
i know you
all too well
your lying
to yourself
to the world
turning pale
ears and hands
fire red
say the words
let them go
climb up truth
make it known
say the words
your fed up
your fed up
its okay
but stop it
stop it now
stop it boy
pretending
that your fine
and happy
hot engines
hot engines
winding up
shoot forward
never back
disconnect
11:43 a.m. - 2006-06-30 00144
Remember Death My Sweet
Remember death my sweet
Todays are yesterdays tomorrow;
And away the time will tick
Making me shuffle my feet;
And honestly I would borrow
The magic to keep you from being sick
Tick, tock, tick; goes he
Forever flailing his sickle and bony hand
Cover your face boy, make no sound
Maybe hell pass you by and he wont see
Your hourglass blues hum with grains of sand
And snatch you up by law, having been bound.
2:08 p.m. - 2006-07-13 00145
The Letter Never Sent
Dear Father
I had a dream of you last night
In it I saw you standing there
Under the blazing sun, early August
In the lavish deserts of Indio California.
You were puzzled and perplexed
By the mechanics of life
At the age of fifteen
Eating your stepfathers sweet dates
Picked fresh from the fields.
Youd stand there on sore feet
Admiring the intricacy
Of the bruises hed leave
Upon your flesh
Just for being alive
Just for being you.
Such a sweet young face I thought
As Id focus in on the complexity
Of your eyes
The unmistakable hurt
I just couldnt help but understand.
You must have wanted
To kill him
Every time hed muster
Enough strength
To even look at you.
Oh, but you loved your mother
Far too much
To make her sad and cry
Even if it ate you up
Inside.
So youd stand there
Silently
Becoming the prince
Of disguise
Pretending everything was fine
A game played
To keep from going mad.
Please know, that I dont blame you
Yes, I had my time for hating you
But Im over it now
I love you
Enough to ask you questions
I was too afraid to ask
But only one at a time.
Its simple really
Having lived the life you did
Having not known your own father
And knowing one youd rather forget
Why on earth would you keep me
From knowing mine?
6:21 p.m. - 2006-07-14 00145
pull me out of this mess
wash away the lunacy with your kiss
just say the words
your the magician of my world
and i'm your naughty queen of wands
with the venemous tongue
hush the serpant belted round your waist; she's sly
come sit with me on this throne
overlooking the seas
while we speak of mans fall
6:34 p.m. - 2006-07-18 00146
I hope that one day, while your walking around doing your thing that it will hit you like a ton of bricks and you'll finally realize that what you did to me and my spirit was pretty fucked up. It wasn't so much of the act that hurt me, it was the aftermath. It was your tantrum the morning after and the silent treatment up until this very day that left me feeling as if I was the one who was completely at fault. I was left high and dry baby. Thought you were better than that whole game, what with all your gentlemen qualities and what not. Guess I really am dellusional to think that moments shared would have been worth at least one fucking cent. Yeah, I know it's not you... it's me. I'm the one with the problem. Just thought I would let you know that I know how you must feel cause I take that type of shit into consideration. Some say I shouldn't but I can't help it. I know it must have been hard and disgusting to fuck around with someone like me. You must have wanted to slit your wrists. Who could blame you... I'm the zaftig who other than that has all the qualities you'd be looking for. Oh how this horrid vessel denies any suitors. I just find it funny that it was your own words that led me to your arms. "Let go" you said. Well I did... and I have nothing to show for it but these tears. Regardless of that, thank you... I needed this heartache sooner or later.
11:49 a.m. - 2006-08-18 00147
Sometimes you just can't help but want to slap some sense into them... but friends are friends and "I believe in peace bitch".
Sweetpea... I miss you and I love you. Listen to me.... you need to wake up already. Your living in a dream, he doesn't love you like you love him.
I can understand the attachment to him and I can cope with his name constantly on your lips but I can't stand you becoming a once in a blue moon character.
Never thought in a million years that it would end like this... over a boy.
You say that I read too much into things, but I can feel you slipping away. I can hear it in your tone of voice when you manage to swallow enough pride to even call me when you have nothing to say.
10:59 a.m. - 2006-08-22 00148
I WILL have you when everything is said and done in one way or another... I promise you.
5:16 p.m. - 2006-11-15 00149
Spare me your love babble girl. I've got a war to win... and winning means blood. So go buy yourself an umbrella... cause it's gonna pour.
9:39 a.m. - 2006-11-28 00150
open yourself up and let me love you.
10:16 a.m. - 2006-12-14 00151
I'm sleepy. So, fluff my pillow for me, tuck me in and tell me a story.... please.
12:54 a.m. - 2006-12-17 00152
A wretched year has passed, a fresh new-fangled one is already here. Optimistic am I of its good intentions and nature? Hardly. But then again, Ive always been an odd hybrid of cynicism and sanguinity. Ha! No surprises.
8:55 a.m. - 2007-01-03 00153
I don’t know what I’m doing.
10:36 p.m. - 2007-01-09 00154
A new day is upon me. Yet... I can't stop thinking of yesterdays long ago. Oh how I miss being comforted by your hands cupping my face and fingertips brushing against these lonesome hungry lips Boy.
Oh Father Time, why have you stained me with these fleeting moments where I was his and he was mine? Be kind and grant me peace of mind. From the depths of my heart I beg of you... set me free of his grasp.
12:34 a.m. - 2007-01-30 00155
I'm scared and I don't even feel safe writing about it here or anywhere else for that matter because I feel as though it will make it all the more real. Give me time, or some vodka and I'll find the courage to flow for you. Until then, I keep it buried.
12:39 a.m. - 2007-02-13 00156
Friday night. Something happened that's happened before. I'm an idiot. Why do I love torturing myself like this?
12:06 a.m. - 2007-05-01 00157
We've kissed in front of you more than once on various occasions.... I know that you know. But, sometimes I wonder if you knew that we were intimate while you were asleep in the same room.
11:49 a.m. - 2007-06-04 00158
Please, believe me when I say that it had nothing to do with hurting you. I needed him, and I won't apologize for enjoying the acts of taking and giving. But, I do apologize for not being able to tell you upfront about me developing feelings for him sooner. I'm not as strong as you.
12:04 p.m. - 2007-06-04 00159
I'm filled to the brim. Rescue me.
10:24 p.m. - 2007-07-18 00160
i've met someone new. his name, we'll leave up in the air. i think he can supply. maybe not as good as the one before, but something is something.... right? we'll see. let's give it some time.
10:16 p.m. - 2007-09-27 00161
Between the Devil and the deep sea...
9:59 a.m. - 2007-10-27 00162
He doesn't like me. But, he's okay fucking me. Go figure. I'm okay with it. Really, I am. He can deny me all he wants as far as emotions go... I can give a shit. I'm having fun. The only thing that bothers me is the way he's always saying how I need to learn to take responsibility for my actions and yet here he is, blaming ALL of our encounters on alcohol. Looks like that starfucker needs to take his own advice.
6:09 p.m. - 2008-07-08 00163
so how's the "swinger" swinging miss?? interesting, the topic of swingers and the mechanics behind its psychology. interesting indeed. polygamy vs monogamy, and where the line blurs before other things like jealousy get in the way of such relationships. i fancy the details others deem untraceable (or intricately placed as untraceable) quite a deal. sweet dreams and may the fates continue to be kind in your realm of happiness and love of sport. may the winds keep you guided safely towards all your endeavors and goals until they reach full fruition and blossom graciously. good night to the sweet lady macbeth and her reigning king.
12:00 a.m. - 2009-06-23 00164
Just started to write again. Figured that I NEEDED to return to the familiar and oddly comforting madness of it all. I'm letting myself go numb again. It stops here. I miss creating, getting under peoples skin. It was an art I had sooooo much fun crafting. You have my word this will not be the average false start I had become accustomed to.
12:29 a.m. - 2010-05-09 00165
make note, i am alive.
1:46 a.m. - 2010-06-21 00166
Starting off where I left behind. The dangerously sugary sweet wanton type of gibberish: Yummyshocks. =^-^=
1:25 p.m. - 2011-05-24 00167
Everytime I light that match
Your image... it sparks and burns bright
And along with the nicotine toxins
You invade my domain the way only you can
And as my body let's go
In its dizzying spells
Giving way to the creep
I find myself loving you again
And all the questions left unanswered
They haunt me and flood in
They come to greet me
In the descent into my familiar madness
They gather the few shards still prominent from our wreckage
Hands bleeding in an offering
And piece them together
Just enough...
To where the dream I built
Is visible beyond the smoke in its reflection
And I am happy again
Knowing that for that moment in time
I was capable of surviving the grand fall...
12:03 a.m. - 2011-06-29 00168
Underneath the desert sun
We walk along the Great Void
Hoping to fill it and eachother
With the magic to mend
And to move on
8:25 a.m. - 2011-08-02 00169
I've never denied your genes
Only denied your access...
Shielded myself from further hurt
In the undying wake
Of your choices and absence...
My heart is a foolish vessel
And maintains it's constant guard
With you, with them, within myself...
As a child to her father; her King of Kings
I bowed to you in awe
At your throne by your feet...
But as a woman now to her King
I bow to you in respect
But with the grandest of fears
Suffocating and constricting my chest
Instilled in what once was pure love...
I fear your wrath
For having strayed and remained silent
I fear your words of hurt
I fear your denouncement
I fear your granulated love
I fear you...
So I stay...
Stagnant in my visions of you
As you were before the fall...
With arms outstretched
Eyes welled up and bursting in tears
With the hope that one day...
One magic day
You'll save me from myself
And set me free from this curse...
With the simplest of warm and unabashed embraces that only you can unfold
6:29 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00170
All it took was two syllables
And magically, at the pronunciation
My ear would listen intently
At the mixture of sounds
Forming your name...
And my eyes, they'd sparkle
Like fireflies
On the river banks
Of the Sungai Klias...
Waiting for the darkness
To envelope the night
To show you
The depths of my love
6:30 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00171
Silly girl/with the silly heart/his was not pure/his was for gain/not for the cure/you gave freely/just as freely as he took/mistaking it for love/it was not his fault/it was yours/the grand mistake/left battered and bruised/the hurt and tears they came with ease/gathered them all as delicate fall leaves/then the next one he came with the wind one day/the facts just learned/they disappeared/and just like that/they/re/appeared/sounding/tasting/feeling/smelling/the same/something must be wrong you thought/with the core/something so wrong and disgusting/that they all claimed the same/denouncing your feelings as false/so you closed yourself off/a service for those who'd even fathom to fall into your arms/and as such you'll stay/never knowing reciprocation of the only thing you've always wanted/to love//////
6:31 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00172
Can't say I'm fucking surprised. I knew something was gonna happen... I felt it. And it did. I don't mind the change... It's not that. Just the lame cop-out excuses as to why. It's always the same thing: it was out of our hands... They needed you there. Please, man up and say it was cause I sucked major balls and you didn't want me enough to fight for me. That I'm someone else's problem now. Hands washed, feeling clean of the dirt I represent at the bottom of your nails. That would've been better than this. Im actually upset. And for the record, this is me being tame. Baby steps towards utter outlandish madness and anger to come. Stick around long enough and you'll get to witness The Bitch in the making.
6:33 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00173
Almost passed out at Walmart today while waiting for Miss Brown to handle some business. Didn't take a lunch today at work. Spent day fixing loose ends and manning the kiosk before leaving Stonewood. Plus I think I had a little mini panic attack again. The lady in front of me watched as I tried to calm myself down with some breathing exercises, legs shaking, hands trembling while she calmly ate her Subway sandwich and smiled at me every now and then. Feeling the tears welling up in my eyes I took to my journal to try to distract myself from what I was feeling. Miss Brown later came to my rescue with a pretzel and some coke to help me out. Thank you Miss Brown.
6:35 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00174
We want to take this time to thank every single person who has helped us in our pursuit to find our daughter/sister/wife/friend Alvina Jimenez. It is with a heavy heart we regret to inform you that this morning the search ended. Out of respect for her family we ask that you refrain from further questioning. This is a very hard time for us and a proper investigation is underway to assure probable cause and that the utmost degree of the law is served. Further information regarding services will be released as they come. Once again, we appreciate all of your efforts and cooperation. Thank you all for your vigilance. WE LOVE YOU ALVINA!! Your impact on this world was otherworldly. You will be missed. R.I.P.
6:37 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00175
You're a light when things seem way too dark to see past/You're a passage way when things seem unable to cross/You're an unwavering confidant/When it seems no ones willing to lend an ear/You're the calm that falls after the storm/The rainbow in a cloudy world/You're a daughter/A sister/A lover/A fighter/A friend to one and all/As is testament here tonight/We'll all miss you beyond words Alby/But we take comfort in knowing you're in a better place now/And that we'll all see eachother soon/And Rock out hardcore with all em angels and show them how to Skank/Remember/If We call you on that coconut of yours/You have to answer in that special sexy voice of yours!!/Love ya chica/For forever and a day/Thank you for being you
6:38 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00176
I plead to you...
Cosmos of the great beyond
To rid me of these thoughts
Of failure from the inner
Essence of my being
When compared to her
She has been blessed
With the comfort I have never felt
Since his departure
She has been brought up
Beautiful and strong of will/mind
And I... I have no such qualities
No fruits of legacy
To display at the shrine
I am a vacant vessel
Unworthy of his love
And these uncontrollable tears
That flow from a mere glance
At still frames of happiness/joy
Make my heart sink
To those familiar depths
Of darkness and despair
For what love
Can I possibly give him
That wouldn't be outshined by hers
She is his light
His joy
His everything
His world
And I, The Grand Mistake
With the broken soul.
6:39 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00177
...loves course...
It's easy
For someone
Who has it
To proclaim
That patience is key
And that it'll all come
Naturally
On its own
On a sparkly silver platter
Nude and raw
Did they forget
Become so jaded
To how it felt
To be just as lost
To feel just as undesirable
Did they forget
How much it hurt
To see others who had it
Treat it like shit
By lying, cheating, stealing it
From under peoples noses
Who seemed to live and breathe
The perfect love
Claiming it sorta
Just happened
To each his/her own
I get it, I'll never know
Until it happens to me
But you must admit
It makes you wonder
Is there really such a thing?
Such a thing as forever
The cherubs above us
They aim to kill
I fear cupids furled brow
More than his arrow
But seek it nonetheless
Because I'm human
And have been conditioned
To seek it
At all costs
Till the last breath
Of these heaving lungs
The beautiful expanding of its
Rattling cages
That house universal hearts
I am love personified
Just like you
Waiting...
Kicking, screaming
Bitching, moaning
For that mutual
Bitter-sweetness
To taste
To savor
To relish
In my mouth
Till the end of its course
And then it's on to the other
So let me cling
To these delusions of
Pure inferiority
It oddly helps me cope
And with time
You'll see me transform
I'll draw hearts
On the frosted windows
Of random cars
As I walk on by
One not so special morning
And I'll gladly smile my smiles
Overlooking the seas
Mending the wounds
I've yearned for
As I walk into
The cold salted seas
Submerged
Into its stinging arms
I promise you to heal
After every opened scar
Just let me find my own way
Through feel
Loves course...
Its a tricky labyrinth
I'm sure
If you close your eyes
You'll remember
And feel its enigma
Shower your body
Into a familiar submission
So let me fall
Let me fall
6:40 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00178
::Mathematical Frameworks::
Make restitution
Your cold heart to me
It's frigidness lures
And we all know you know
That I fancy coiled burners
So here, take my hand
And follow me
D
O
W
N
To warmth
Unfold before me
Here, take hold of my hips
Palms giving way to contour
For you are the painter
And I, the thought that renders
The mind to grip the brush
Together we dance
The mourning tango
Dip into the red
The green
The yellow
And then the blue
Each stroke
Creating electrical currents
Can you feel me...
Among the power flux
Or am i hidden in its vector?
2+2 will always equal 4
But there is also logic
In illogical renderings
That which is not seen
Is believed into existence
Is it not so?
So feel me, as I feel you
And together we shall live
In what others deem fantasy
La Cumparsita begins
You've handed me a rose
You take my hand into yours
On the streets of Buenos Aires
And together
We dance under the stars
Under the waning moon
6:42 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00179
::Enigma of my hearts deepest recesses covered in cinnamon dust, i call out to you; hear me...
::Alas, your absence has held me in it's arms for years now... silently cradled in its
::Obscure darkness for far too long and this tie though seemingly unbreakable, has me torn in its vigil; on my hands and knees; twisted and contorted... so release me, take mercy and grant me serenity of our shared memories to where rather than stinging and killing me at its mere suggestion they'll float in and out without such pain, but rather like butterflies landing on a smile to grace and illuminate my being from the inside out having known a love; though one sided, the taste of the grand bitter-sweetness cascades graciously on, making its own way to a chapter waiting for its deserving end.
Blah blah blahhhhhh.
6:43 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00180
Tell me how much you can't stand me
While you wrap your hungry fingertips around my hair
Forcing me to pay my respects to your shrine
Forgive me Father for I have sinned
Tell me how much you hate me
While you stick your ravenous tongue down my throat
Forcing me to love you with every cold embrace
Forgive me Father for I have sinned
You sit and wonder why I stay
Enduring your torture for as long as I have
It's simple really baby Pain Perdu; my darling
I loved loving you like only I could
Forgive me Father for I have sinned
I'm a wicked child, with a wicked smile
In love with someone who wants nothing
But to see me fall...
6:44 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00181
::Steer me calmly::
Just beyond the outer contours of your body
The inner boundaries of your thighs
Its twisting moving breathing paths
Constricting contracting contorting
This is me claiming what is mine
::open your eyes::
Guide me lethargically
To the shoulders and peaks of your plains
Gathering in complacent palms
The essence of your sex; ravenously intertwined
::Don't forget to breathe Sweetpea::
This is more than love
This is bliss
In between the sheets
In between chapters; bent corners marking the space
where two become three
::me, you, this nameless force::
The magic pressed into its pages
Its residue renders
The words that hinge thoughts to take form
To multiply, reproduce
It is the will of man
It's more powerful than god
Its scent most alluring
So take of me, as I'd off of you
The gift of illumination through feel
::so lets go for a ride, touch me darling... and heal::
6:45 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00182
Waves of cerise
You helped open the gates
When you suggested I "let go"
Then blamed me for the flood
When the waters were too high
So give me back my naivety
Give me back my first's
Give me back my love
Give me back my gift of me
...For me
For you...
...For her
And for the rest to come
Through life's revolving doors
6:46 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00183
hourglass blues hum
whenever you're gone
and soon couldn't be sooner
to hush the fury of this hearts rattling cage into submission
& you're safe in my esurient arms
I take to my guitar
inspiration born from our last embrace in Octobers rusty hues
you're such a beautiful wreckage
lost in your sparkling glass & debris a smile graces my face
im certain, I'm home
where I love to love you
where I'd hate to lose you to distance's throws
come on lovely, my reason to breathe
meet me where the sand and waters converge overlooking the sun as it sets and the oceans vastness creates the metaphors to describe the lengths of my devotion to you and only you
let's take the plunge
as the waves crash down cleansing & christening our bond
be my Siren, my muse
and I swear to you
this here tune will forever be dedicated to you
my beautiful wreckage
of the deep crystal cerulean sea
6:47 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00184
I'll love you today
Like I'll love ya tomorrow
So let me borrow your heart
To help it mend
And see me
And see me
Through the fields of Lilys
A boy in youth pulls butterflies wings
I'll take your faults and shower in it's glory
I won't run away
See me
See me
You're inches to freedom
Grab it and take hold
Crystal chandeliers look good in any home
I'll polish you and your egos one by one
And revel in its reflections
Why couldn't you have chosen me
And seen me
And seen me
...Instead
6:48 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00185
Depths of my despair
Your image it burns
It's been 5 years now
And still no return
I can feel your breath
Warm / sweet on my neck
Return to me; sink
Let me in further
Let me... Down, easy
Let my hair grow long
Smoke my menthol smokes
Letting go fully
Was my gift to you
You'll always be mine
No matter what's said
You'll always be mine
No matter what's done
Let me... Down, easy
Give you everything
The way I did then
Just open up; call
And my heart is yours
6:49 a.m. - 2012-01-02 00186 I told you I loved you
In French and Japanese
I said it on my knees
On your bathroom floor
Ruby red lipstick smeared
Mascara-tears flowing free
And you were there, standing
Bold enough to say
"No you don't, you can't
You don't mean it, it's me
You don't know what your saying"
You helped me up
With no hug orkiss goodbye
The doors to the world opened
And off I went heart broken
Into the dark-cold morning
Walking my way home up Gage
Wearing your favorite jacket
As I remembered your embrace
Your passionate kisses and words
While you went off
Into her waiting arms
Giving her what I always needed
1:56 p.m. - 2012-01-05 00187
Calming ingestions
White sedative clouds
Swallowing the past into the present; seamlessly jagged
Lost happily
Where reality lacks substance
La Luna supplies
Crystalline visions
Attainable in sleeps realm
Chemical oxidation; freedom
Hypnotic beats resounding
In once vacant spaces
Close my eyes; all is seen
Zolpidem the Drifter sneaks in
Sweetly grabs my hand
Leads me towards the promised land
Receptors, neurotransmitters
Triggers, molecular harmony
Fusion of thought
Through opposite extremes
Heaviness in weightlessness
Oh oh oh
The waves
They wash me clean
Release me from the confines that waking sleep renders for free
3:33 p.m. - 2012-01-10 00188
testing 1 2 3... via my new macbookpro laptop. :D
10:09 p.m. - 2012-01-29 00189
Bug-Out-Blues
You think with logic and reasoning to cast judgement
You are theCephalon
I speak in tenderness of heart and its sensibilities
I am the Thorax
And she, she is the end of what once was, the be-header of dreams
She is the Pygidium
Together we form the specimen that lives through nuclear wars
The organism that multiplies as it scurries through life with one purpose and one purpose only
To infect the fibers of that which deems itself impenetrable
1:57 a.m. - 2012-03-03 00190
Tales of a Thirsty Knife
Urges for rusty blades to pierce that which seems beautiful and impenetrable//To become transfixed on the thought that wills the hand to partake in the final act//That is the mechanics behind the thirsty knife//The conflicting neurological transfers of want versus need//Wrong versus right//The satisfaction of the ruby-like crystalized droplets of DNA//As it becomes one with itself on its cold body made of steel upon torn flesh//The willful participant of submissive pleasure through pain//That is the mechanics behind the thirsty knife//Oh such a haunting twist of events to the outside world//Fusion of chemicals that no one can dare to understand//For fear keeps them far-far away from such primal thoughts and deeds//But the thirsty knife knows all to well of sacrifice//So shall it be willed into existence//So shall it be done//With the same fervor of the quintessential hybrids of love known and accepted by man//This, yes... This is the mechanics behind the thirsty knife//The Tale of a pending end that brought a beginning to life//The creation of a sacred limbo//Where the thirsty knife waits patiently for the next bloodletting to offer itself again//And again and again and again.....//
11:00 a.m. - 2012-03-22 00191
How I miss you my little jewel. I'm sorry for neglecting you. A lot has happened and frankly I think I'm scared about disclosing those things. Have patience, you know I'll spill... Eventually. Oh and when I do, it'll be grand.
11:52 a.m. - 2012-08-17 00192
Revival is always in the foreground, it just waits until we're ready. I'm ready.
10:43 a.m. - 2012-10-22 00193
i would like to show you the true me, but I very seldom really know who I am myself. I have an idea, but I guess thats the point, discovery is constant.
11:01 p.m. - 2013-03-03 00194
I feel nothing when I'm with you. Please, don't mistake my moans & quivering legs for love. I don't fake it darling, so no worries there. I just don't like you like that. Thought ya made that perfectly clear 5 yrs. ago when ya denied my heart access to yours. Your cock on the other hand, mmm your cock & how ya work it is lovely indeed. How's that for female sentimental bullshit?! Now get gone, I need to shower & get some sleep. Spare me your half-assed hugs too by the way. It's just business after all, it's just mother+fucking sex! '-'
3:42 a.m. - 2013-04-28 00195
mr orange. i wish you wanted more from me than my sex. it's sad when you really think about it. growing up i was convinced that no one would ever want to be with me. here i am, 32 yrs old and i've yet to be in a relationship. so far i was right. am i really just a pile of broken/damaged goods? i guess so. what am i supposed to do? i'm damned if i play coy with guys not giving anything up; labeled a tease. i'm damned if i'm genuinely ok with just screwing a guy then i'm labeled a whore/slut. i just want to be wanted AND needed. is that so hard to acquire here on earth before my time here is up? is it?
12:13 a.m. - 2014-02-02 00196
I suck at remembering passwords when I have soooooo many. :/
3:16 p.m. - 2014-06-11 00197
Random Entry // Sounds 101 sometimes I like listening to everything while staying as still as possible in bed // from the varied voices outside my window in conversation; as I predict the next sentence uttered and envision their expressions as they figure out someone's listening in like Big Brother // to the planes overhead on their route to anywhere but here; stoic passengers sipping on their mini vodka drinks & munching on their tiny complementary bag of salted peanuts with a side of Valium to ease the phobic pain since September 2001 // to the unpaid cars speeding down Atlantic Ave with their mangled bass raised far too loud for human ears to handle; let alone the regurgitated lyrics that degrade my sex for a mere dollar // from the lovely crickets who's song I'll never tire of since childhood because it simply made me feel safe in the dark; the differences between them & grasshoppers ever so faint // to the birds outside uncaged and free vying for attention even when the sun has given way to the moon; hoping to one day sound as wolf-like in LA as the wailing loon from the North Woods when dusk has fallen onto glass lakes, piercing the sky like an un-wished star // to the sound of my own breath as I try to control it with sheer will of thought alone; until the sting is unbearable and my diaphragm now claiming defeat twitches releasing the demons in my lungs // to the heavy burdened echo in my chest as my now pounding heart races then slows to a softer tone yet again; with every jagged exhale the tension in my body melts and my eyelids give in to its own weight reaching euphoria // oh but the sound of a clock, there's nothing more grand, a clock ticking away almost as if the sound of the seconds ticking by were trying so hard to evolve into something more tangible for us to touch; to somehow reach us & to demand inventory of the way we've chosen to use it up until now, to help wake us up before individually for us it one day ceases to tick and tock; allowing for yet another night of magical sounds, just like tonight...
12:14 a.m. - 2014-06-19 00198
Pensamientos
Las cosas cambian, es verdad. Es algo que pasa sin dificultad en el frgil estado de un momento al otro. Pero, para estar consciente en a dejar el cambio florecer en el ser de uno mismo es un poco ms difcil pero no imposible. Se necesita el poder de una fe inquebrantable, en dnde las dudas corren al unsono con los regalos que se presenta en nuestra propias vidas. Es un baile del balance. Como miraras las pruebas y tribulaciones en el escenario donde te encuentras hoy?
4:17 p.m. - 2014-06-29 00199
Daily Affirmations. Finding happiness in every single day. Taking everything in stride & maintaining a genuine smile no matter what the risk. When I was utterly oblivious of my naivety this act was way much easier. But ease is just that & no great life altering heights are ever reached without compromise and sacrifice. There is no mistake, struggle is an undeniable gift to those who see beyond the underlying pain of present strife. Take comfort; today's will ultimately be yesterday's tomorrow's.
1:24 p.m. - 2014-06-30 00200
If you stare at the ceiling for far too long you'll start to see images form & they'll start to tell stories that aren't ready to be told.
5:03 p.m. - 2014-07-16 00201
A lil something I just wrote. Was inspired and because I was growing slightly weary this Saturday.
The Deception of Mr Salmon
I see through your treacherous veils of deception dear Broodmare. Why maintain a treasure you do not love whilst entertaining yet another and another and another? Newly found feminine whiles are not so new & dainty are they now as you will have him believe? You've long perfected the art of manipulation for whatever gains you secretly covet while boldly maintaining your innocence; all the makings of a red herring. Is it for a sense of Home, pride of a heart conquered or for mere ownership among other shiny golden dividends? Have you no shame to leave him dumbfounded by your spells? What use is hoarding the love of a man you do not cherish wholeheartedly? How does wrapping your arms, legs & lips around nameless others procure your veneration for him? He is no earthly God to you, no. As you are no earthly Goddess to him. One day your veil will fall & your ruse will be the end of you.
-HNS
5:58 p.m. - 2014-12-13 00202
Another:
-The Match Made In Quirky Heaven-
There's a boy I used to know
Dragged his feet along
Hung his head down low
As he walked with cigarette in hand
We had a lot in common
We both would step on the cracks on purpose on the pavement and smirk to ourselves at the thought of our mothers backs breaking
-HNS
6:00 p.m. - 2014-12-13 00203
I'm on a writing frenzy today.
::The Inconspicuous Insect::
I'm like an itch you don't want to stop scratching. So you keep grazing your skin just enough to leave it throbbing. You keep vigil in my absence; until I emerge from the shadows to infect you once more with my proboscis & saliva. Body giving way to nature in all its splendor.
-HNS
6:00 p.m. - 2014-12-13 00204
Fighting For Equilibrium Relaaaaaax, nothing is ever all pink, frills, full of love & roses. What do you think this is... Disneyland? It's littered with cruelty, darkness, trials & fucking garbage. It's called balance Babe. Wake up. They're watching. You feel the tilting of the pedestal as you reach your happiness limits for the year yet Honey? We've all got a quota of sadness to fill. Gotta fill it up fill it up till it hurts to breathe. It's your turn to feel its unbiased pull into the Abyss; bathed lovingly in its menacing grasp. Only then will Bliss really feel like Bliss when it sneaks into your bedroom at night under the covers. Close your eyes & let go SweetPea, learn to ride the wave. -HNS
2:35 a.m. - 2014-12-14 00205
i've been waiting and waiting for the day i would completely break down. to hit rock bottom. i haven't yet. i'll be 34 in a month. this upsets me. most people (and yes i'm going there) my age are already settled, with the house, the cars, the kids, the dogs, the fucking white god forsaken picket fence. where am i? at my moms, on daybed (or sofa), no job, no car, no money, no husband, no kids, a dog i can't possibly take care of. what kind of shit is that? is it that not only am i nice, empathetic and naive but i'm also ok with living a poor excuse for a life even if i'd be homeless. could it be, i've just completely given up? deep sigh. i know the answers logically won't be found in anyone else except myself. but i'm so lost i can't even access the girl i thought i was. i've never known her. i thought i did.
6:49 p.m. - 2015-02-24 00206
Small Token of Reverence; To My Muse You make me feel like an ethereal Goddess in a world that otherwise sees me as an uneven lump of scrap coal without any substance but to keep men warm under lock and key; kept hidden in the shadows forcefully from the supposed prying eyes of stereotypes and cruel intentions, but to you, to you I am your Deity, pure and intact; celestial divinity dripping from my pores, an image worthy of public worship and adoration without an inch of shame, with a prideful stance instead you gleam from ear to ear having chosen me among the rest So on bended knee you pray to me with clenched wanton hands all too eager to them warmly lay outstretched to capture the sparks I emit as if they were virgin stars; unwished upon and newly formed in a galaxy I've conceived, then with an unwavering gaze upon my visage you see visions stronger than any pair of crystal clear eyes could ever fathom seeing within me, I am transparently complex, a privilege worth fighting for, a maze worth unraveling, I am yours You shower me with soft gentle kisses as though placing roses on my altar; every petal laced with meaning strewn upon my skin that heeds me to relinquish myself unto your undying touch all but whole; love a term too tainted and raped of its meaning we create a new one, its sanctity only known to us in our space protected in time, we is here, we are, you and I; gilded, beautifully adorned whether or not in time we should happen to sink or float, our time is now You whisper my name with bated breath when you need to be lifted on not so bright days, each time I sense your prayers reach me; echoing within the walls of my being, sweet and comforting like frankincense & myrrh on an early winters mist that heals even the most broken of souls and hearts; to uproot your spirits in the fight that only the road to true oneness procures, so let me sing to you my Dear full heartedly, with songs not yet had the honor of being heard, let me shower you with promise and wonderment for having worshipped me against all odds -HeidieNicoleSaenz
9:33 a.m. - 2015-11-07
3:06 p.m. - 2017-05-03
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